


Back To There Again

by shampoo153



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, F/M, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-26
Updated: 2014-01-26
Packaged: 2018-01-10 01:32:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1153192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shampoo153/pseuds/shampoo153
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Spike made a wish to a wish-granting demon in Africa, he didn't expect his poor choice of wording and unchecked thoughts to allow the demon to send his consciousness back in time. So now an en-souled Spike has to re-live the last four years to make things better this time around. Except he has time travel rules to keep this from being easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Back To There Again

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first long-term story project, so I might have some trouble on updating.  
> Okay, I know Spike seems OOC, but since Spike doesn't have many changes in personality between having a soul and not, unlike Angel and Angelus, i figured that souls mean something different for each character. For Spike, having a soul means everything is sharper, emotionally and spiritually. There are a few other things, but they'll reveal themselves as the story goes on (so, you know, I haven't thought everything through).  
> Warnings, characters, relationship, tags will change as I go on and re-evaluate what's important enough to tag.  
> PS. Looking for someone to help me edit this story.  
> PPS. Okay, complete redo of what I've done so far!

“You have endured the required trials,” the demon said, voice of gravel and prophecy.

“Bloody right I have,” Spike replied as he pulled his beaten and bloodied body off the ground, “so you’ll give me what I want? Send me as I was? So I can give her what she deserves…”

“Very well,” the demon intoned, “we will return you with your soul.”

The demon placed its hand on the center of Spike’s chest and he screamed as a bright light burst from him. The light grew until it filled the cave and Spike knew no more.

 

Spike drove his Desoto (new yet still so familiar) up the road to Sunnydale. Drusilla laid in the backseat, her injuries making her cry out in pain every time Spike hit a bump.

“Spike’s heart whisper and speaks,” Drusilla moaned, “they speak and spark like dapples in a pond. Spike, where’s Daddy?” she whimpered, “Mommy, Daddy, I’m hurting. I’m hurting,” she sobbed.

“I’m here, Love,” Spike said, “I’m here and I’ll make you whole again. Did it before, will again.”

“Daddy,” Drusilla continued, “Mommy, Spike’s gone and got his armor rusted. Punish him.” She curled up on her side, “he burns me. Spike has a spark and he burns me. I’m burning, I’m burning.”

Spike growled and ran over the sign that proclaimed, ‘Welcome to Sunnydale.’ “Home sweet home,” he snarled as he took Drusilla to the Crawford Mansion, “fucking Hell.”

 

Spike led Drusilla through the mansion and made a gesture to the patio doors, “look at the garden, you’ll love it.”

“Ooh, jasmine,” Drusilla breathed as she entered the garden, “night blossoms, sweet and shy.” She spun in a graceful pirouette and brought a blossom to her lips, “shh, careful, my Spike is broken. He shines and burns,” she kissed the flower as Spike watched from the patio doors.

“Do you like it, sweet?” Spike asked in a low tone.

“Hmm, I hear the flowers and they cry and sing…” she hummed, “do you hear the pixies? They’re singing and dancing on the petal drops.”

“A merry song,” Spike replied as he caught Drusilla’s little hands in his own, “shall we join them, my sweet?” he spun Drusilla into a waltz and Drusilla met his eyes and giggled.

“Stars burn, my Spike burns, and then the stars will fall and this whole town will burn,” Drusilla cooed as Spike spun her faster, “and then the stars will spark and crash in the sky and my Spike’s new spark will dance among them.”

“If I will dance, who will sing?” Spike whispered, “Who will sing and make the stars stop?”

“Follow me, Spike, follow me and we’ll be at home and you will dance and sing and shine,” Drusilla whispered, “Sing, Spike, Princess demands it.”

Spike pulled her closer to him.

_“Early one morning…”_

 

It was mid-morning the next day as Spike made his final check to make sure that he had set everything up for Drusilla and himself. Experience and memory told him that they would be here for a while.

The rats skitter and hear the angels   
clarions they call for blood and redemption   
(despair in every room)

Spike paced the main room with growing aggravation.

There he took her in every room the angel  
stole the fair beauty hopeless helpless kill me die Hell  
inside and out   
(death would not come)

He snarled and picked up an armchair and threw it across the room. Then he grabbed another and used debris to beat at the couch. “Useless, beaten,” he muttered as he threw an old lamp against the wall, “took her, wins every time.” He slowed his assault and sat on the floor.

Except that wasn’t true, he remembered, Joyce hadn’t liked Angel. Dawn hadn’t loved Angel, she chose to love Spike. “Dawn,” Spike whispered, “Little Bit, where are you?”

(not here)

_Spike hung upside down in front of Dawn’s window. He knocked, careful to keep the noise down, and waited._

_There was a small scuffle inside and then Dawn’s face peaked out. ‘Spike?’ she mouthed and he nodded. She glared at him and moved to close her curtain, but he pulled out a small package covered in bright wrapping paper and held it in front of the window. ’For me?’ she mouthed. Spike nodded and she glowered at him. Her eyes flickered from the gift to him and Spike was as still as if he were hunting. Only he wasn’t the hunter in this scenario (wasn’t he?)._

_She opened her window a few inches and hissed, “What do you want?”_

_Spike reached out, but the barrier stopped his hand, “just hear me out, listen for a mo’.”_

_“I don’t have to listen to you,” She snapped, “I don’t have to listen to anything you say, just get lost and leave my sister alone. In fact, why don’t you just leave Sunnydale, it’s not like_ anyone _in this entire town wants anything to do with neutered vampire like you.” She tried to slam the window shut, but Spike shoved his hand into the barrier and stopped her. It hurt, but he forced his hand to stay there._

_“Listen, Little Bit,” he pleaded, “I never meant to hurt her, that’s the second to last thing I wanted, but Drusilla did. You lot underestimate her, you think that just ‘cause she’s crazier than a basket of fruit, she’s not deadly. But she can be worse than Angelus when she wants. I wanted to distract her and keep her out of harm’s way, but then Buffy happened and everything went out of control.” Dawn continued to glare at him and Spike lapsed into silence. “If she was a vampire…” he started, but Dawn interrupted him._

_“She’s_ not _a vampire, Spike,” Dawn said. Her voice had softened somewhat, but still had an edge to it, “she’s a Slayer, she’s_ human _. You can’t-Spike!” Dawn’s eyes widened and she grabbed Spike’s hand, which was disintegrating, “Spike, what’s going on?”_

_Spike grunted, “Not allowed in, Bit, mojo doesn’t like it when,” he hissed as half a nail went away, “we disobey rules…”_

_“Jesus, Spike, come in,” Dawn cried. The window sill snapped where he had been gripping it and Spike almost fell through the glass, but Dawn opened the pane. Spike fell through and rolled on the ground, his own reflexes kept him balanced._

_“Shit, Dawn, I’m sorry, I-“ He stared at her window, “I’ll fix that, I swear I will, I just-“_

_“Spike, forget about the window, are you okay?” Dawn fluttered around him and tried to look at his hand, but he shoved it into his coat._

_“Fine, I’ll mend, I just,” Spike looked from the window to Dawn and his shoulders slumped, “I just ruin everything, don’t I?”_

_“Yeah, you kinda do,” she replied, a forced hardness in her voice. When Spike flinched, she sighed and sat on her bed. She patted the spot next to her and Spike sat, “I guess it’s okay, I ruin things, too.” She muttered, “I even let Harmony into the house. How stupid do I have to be to be outsmarted by_ Harmony _?”_

_“Want to talk about embarrassing’, Harmony shot me in the arse with a crossbow,” Spike replied._

_Dawn smiled, “yeah, you win. Harmony totally kicked your butt.” Spike snorted, but let it pass as Dawn’s smile faded. “I’m supposed to hate you now,” Dawn whispered, “even Mom’s mad at you. Why do you have to make it so hard to like you?”_

_“Don’t mean to, pet, just happens,” Spike muttered, “I can charm anyone into an alley, but I don’t know what to do with people I don’t want to kill. I tried to be a good guy, you know, but it never…” Spike huffed, “I’m not a good guy, I can’t….” he lapsed into silence._

_“Spike, I don’t care if you’re a good guy, I just don’t want you to be a bad guy.” Dawn said, “I know you’re not nice, that you go and steal from the register at the Magic Box and stuff, but couldn’t you just… you know, get over Buffy and try not to taze her and tie her up anymore?”_

_“Drusilla used to tie me up,” Spike muttered, “used to tie me up and drag me around. She would keep me that way so I would learn to trust her without having to interfere.”_

_“Did it work?”_

_“Not really, she once got so distracted by candles that I had to gnaw through the ropes with my fangs to save her,” then there was silence and they both fidgeted. Spike took an unnecessary breath, “I thought that maybe if I offered to stake Drusilla, Buffy would accept me, I mean, it worked for Angelus, didn’t it?”_

_“I think Buffy really regrets Angel,” Dawn replied, “and Buffy’s hung up on the soul having.”_

_“Yeah, kinda got that,” Spike shrugged, “’sides, I wouldn’t have been able to actually go through with it, staking Dru. I loved her too long, I could never do that.”_

_Dawn stared at her hands, “Buffy and Mom don’t want you around anymore.”_

_“The disinvite gave it away, Bit.”_

_Dawn looked at him with her big doe eyes, “But I do.”_

_Spike smiled, “Then I’ll come over, I’m a vampire and they don’t know that I’ve been invited back in. They won’t know I was ever here.”_

_“Really? You’d do that for me?”_

_“’Course I would, Bite-Size, got you this, didn’t I?” Spike handed her the present. She gave an excited squeal and tore the wrapping paper off. It revealed a small, black item, “what’s this?”_

_“That,” Spike picked it up and showed her how to hold it, “would be a Taser.” He showed her how to use it and the power settings, “it’ll work on almost anything, except a few breeds of demons. I hear randy boys can be hard to dissuade, so I thought this would help.”_

_She stifled a laugh, “Spike, you know you’re a dork, right?”_

_“I know, Bit, why else would I like you?”_

Spike covered his ears with his hands and screamed without making a sound.

Dark and there’s the screams that sing what you are   
(who I am) and they line up and cry and beg and it was never enough   
(early one morning)

They cry and they break don’t forgive never (or   
maybe that’s me) young meat always screams so I reach and reach   
into and there was blood and throats and spines (no more noise)   
(O don’t deceive me)

Scream and the dust that was me chokes and it hurt hurts  
and darkness and darkness there’s no escape in Hell and I don’t deserve  
to escape this is where I belong they sing broken children and  
(how could you)

Mother is snarling and she hurt me she hurts me Mother she is   
Drusilla she is Buffy and I am unworthy never worthy of the light I see that now  
and it cuts and cuts and I don’t have a light like angel but my light is  
hurting me and make it stop the angels can’t save me I am lost I am not lost   
(how could you)

 

Spike went to the Bronze. It was weakness, the need to see, but he went anyway. As he waited, he heard the roaches and rats (rats again). He saw blood and ash and bit his hand so hard that he almost rips off a chunk with his blunt human teeth.

She came and sat and Spike tasted his own blood as it dribbled down his throat.

**“I - - I - - I - -I  
Did a stupid thing last night”**

Spike saw her, smelled her, and heard her heart as she stepped into the crashing waves of young blood. She danced and all he saw was her. Her hair, her skin, her energy. Her _life_. (She shined and he saw but didn’t) She had been broken, worn down when he had known her, but now she shined and sparkled and danced. It was like sunlight poured off her, around her, radiated from her. She was bright, burning and he had truly been scorched.

**“I called you…**  
A moment of weakness  
No, not a moment  
More like 3 months of weakness”

_‘You’re all I think about’_ she was standing and she was fighting. (She she she, her her her buffy buffy buffy) she punched him and all he wanted was her fire. She kissed him and he felt the heat of her in his hands. He entered her and thought he finally knew heaven (but she wouldn’t look at him).

**“I’m one step away  
From crashing to my knees”**

_‘I’m drowning in you’_ all he knew was to drown. (there is no shame in love) She smiled and he knew bliss. She was betrayed and he only thought to scream. (but he had shamed her).

_‘You can’t feel anything real’_

He watched her. Gazed and he knew he shouldn’t. Could taint with a gaze (could possess with a gaze).

**“One step away from  
Spilling my guts to you”**

Watched her, wanted her. Spike wanted to make her bleed, make her pay

_‘The only difference is that I’m disgusted with myself’_

Her heart thrummed and pounded in his head. He smelled her blood, felt her heat, and his demon snarled (not bound)

William wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her. Hold her and protect her from all the world’s hurts. Whisper soft words and mold her body to his.

He watched her, catalogued her movements. She moved with confidence. With lightness that had disappeared in what was once her (will be her). She was undefeated.

_‘Ask me again why I could never love you’_

**“I’m doing all right**  
No, don’t feel sorry for me  
I’m really all right”

She laughed and he knew the word. That complicated word that had been lost for so long before. That word he’d never used with her.

Pure, she was pure.

Spike fled.

 

Sunshine brilliance Buffy but sunlight burned  
him buried him braved it ashes ashes burning hurt die love  
Buffy wanted want bleed make her pay own break   
(never wanted salvation)

Sweet bitter regret crimson betrayal I hadn’t  
meant to lost I am lost I was lost and I screamed and she  
bled and laughed at me scream at me take me let us die  
let me love ribbons silk mothers regret  
(Gàosù māmā wǒ hěn bàoqiàn)

 

“Naughty Spike,” Drusilla pouted as she ran her hand through Spike’s hair, tacky with gel, “Going and finding the butterflies. Disobeyed your mummy, you did. Mummy has to cut and burn her out, but Spike is no longer mine.”

“Yours, Dru,” Spike mutter, “always yours. Even the rats say so.”

“Pitter patter, scritch scratch,” Drusilla purred, “my Spike is listening to rats.” She gave a low whine and Spike pulled her closer, giving (seeking) comfort. There was a gentle lull of silence before, “Sometimes I think that all my hair will fall out and I’ll be bald.”

“Be a proper moon, then, wouldn’t you love?” Spike rolled on his back and looked at her, “be a moon and shine. Guide Spike all the more clear.”

Drusilla giggled.

 

_“Hark! The lark! Her name it hath spoke:  
‘Dawn’ it discharges from twixt-“_

_“Oh, God, Spike, stop, no more” Dawn cried from the couch, her laughter so intense that she couldn’t sit up._

_“Oi, Bit, I’m pouring’ my heart out here,” Spike replied, but he smiled when that triggered a harder laughing fit and Dawn fell off the couch with a squeak, “remember to breathe, Bit, last thing I want is for you to pass out from lack of oxygen.”_

_Dawn took a forced gasp for air as she tried to get back on the couch._

_“-from twixt its wee beak,” Spike finished. He watched Dawn scream and fall to the floor again in a new fit of laughter._

 

Spike stared at the canopy of Drusilla’s bed. He heard under the furniture, whispering secrets with Miss Edith.

“Miss Edith speaks out of turn,” Drusilla whispered as she pulled out from under the bed, “so she shall have no cake today. But the pixies whisper she speaks true, Spike. She has to be lying, the pixies must be wrong. The stars won’t speak on this.”

“What has Miss Edith been saying, love?” Spike asked as he pulled Drusilla to him.

“She says that Spike’s heart is unfaithful and will never be Princess’ again. That the unfaithful heart belongs to the Slayer,” Drusilla gave a low whine, “but it’s dark where she is, I can’t see her.” She growled, “Spike must kill her, kill her for Princess.”

Spike laughed, “I tried, love, tried and burned.”

Drusilla’s hand lashed out and tore through Spike’s shirt to leave five long, red lines on his skin, “Bad Spike, lying to Mommy. Ash and spark, she has my Willie and he doesn’t want to return to me.”

“Ducks,” Spike pleaded as he reached for Drusilla, but she pulled away from him.

“Spike’s heart belongs to Princess, but the mean, nasty Slayer has stolen what’s mine,” Drusilla hissed, “mean Slayer all over you, making sweet kisses taste like ash.”

“No one here but us chickens, love,” Spike whispered as he pulled Drusilla to him. She pouted, but allowed him to reel her in and Miss Edith looked at him with pity in her glass eyes.

 

“Who are you, to trespass here?” a minion snarled as Spike made his way through the Anointed’s Court.

“Moron,” Spike snapped, “I’m here to talk to the Anointed.”

“What makes you think you’re worthy-“the minion shut up when Spike punched him unconscious.

“Who are you?” The Anointed asked, witness to the small exchange.

“Name’s Spike,” Spike replied, “here now and always was. You’re in books and don’t-“ Spike shook his head, “no, not that. I’m here because my Dru is hurt.” Spike glared at the Anointed.

“Say the word and I’ll kill him,” a minion spoke up.

“Stay out of this, you walking pile of ash,” Spike snapped, “know your place.”

“If you’re to be here,” the Anointed said, “then you have to obey me.”

“Not a minion,” Spike growled, “I am a Master Vampire, and I _don’t take orders_.” The assorted minions growled and gnashed their teeth, but Spike stood firm. Their numbers were depleted after St. Vigeous and Spike was a powerful Master. “We’re staying in Sunnydale and we won’t be bothered,” Spike stepped back and observed the minions assorted around him, “Now, any of you object and decide to test who’s got the biggest wrinklies around here… step on up.”

The Anointed didn’t object and Spike waited for a challenge. When none came, he left.

 

The angel holds the sword and plunges plunges  
fiery vengeance upon me there is no release it was hell it is hell  
the angel opens his mouth and swallows me whole   
(blackness grew against my skin)

She snarls and he snarls they all scream and their  
blood pours from their mouths never stop never quiet it is too   
dark their blood on my hands blood on my hands   
(evil whining hiss of the damning lips)

Scream scream scream scream won’t stop please  
stop angels were supposed to save me dirty demon angels of fire  
and vengeance and pain and blood and I’ll never be clean  
never be clean   
(rush in the soul to the center of Hades)

 

“Gift of good faith,” Spike murmured, “pretty maids in a row, with silver bells and cockleshells.” Drusilla giggled and clapped her hands as she circled the Anointed’s gifts. Three little girls, sweet and pure, were lined up, presented by the Anointed’s minions.

“It pleases you,” the Anointed said to Drusilla, who pretended to creep on the frightened girls and giggled when they flinched from her, “it was tricky, but I thought a gesture was required. To show that there is no harsh feelings.” Spike sniffed the girls and growled. The girls had long run dry of tears and they pleaded mercy with dry hitches and wide eyes.

“Pretty little maids,” Drusilla giggled, “hush little babies, don’t you cry. We’ll eat you and I’ll listen for what songs your mommies will sing when they find dead little flowers.” She turned to Spike and tilted her head back, “tea time, Sweet Spike, we must take our places or else there’ll be no chairs.”

Spike nodded and gestured to the minions to move the girls. The Anointed spoke, “I’m pleased that you are both well, I had read that orphaned Childer sometimes go completely mad.”

Spike stilled and Drusilla wailed. “Not orphaned,” Spike growled, “Angelus abandoned us, but Darla taught us-“

“Darla has perished.”

_‘I didn’t kill Darla, Angel did’_

Drusilla screamed and Spike stared at the ceiling. Of course she had.

_Drusilla wringed her hands and Spike stared at Darla. There was still a scent of blood and gunpowder in the air, but none of the vampires noticed or cared._

_“No, daddy can’t leave, little pixies are lying,” Drusilla cried, “Grand mommy, it can’t be. Daddy will be so upset-“_

_“Drusilla, I have already said, Angelus is not coming back,” she closed her fan with a harsh snap, “my dear boy is gone.”_

_“What happened?” Spike said, “Is this about the Slayer? We can share the next one-“_

_“No, William,” Darla frowned at him, “this isn’t about the Slayer. Angelus has gone and he’s not coming back.” She pulled Spike eye level with her, “so from this moment, I’m your Sire, William, and the Master will be so happy with what you’ve done.”_

Spike was quick to shoo away the Anointed and his minions. He didn’t miss the smirk on the boy’s face (no more mind games, no more mind).

Drusilla screamed, “Grand mommy, dust and ash, burning burning” and Spike held her tighter, his embrace her restraints. She sobbed and heaved for unneeded breath. Spike held her tighter, kept her arms immobile, less she hurt herself. “Burning burning” she cried. Spike rocked her in a steady tempo until her sobs died down and she fell unconscious. He picked her up and carried her to her bed, careful as he chained her to the bedposts.

She stands like strength and power and her hair is  
blonde and she screams and smiles and the monster clings and clings  
and she ties strings but the angel struck and now the strings are gone  
where is the movement lost lost lost   
(gave me chaos with nothing inside)

Falling and She screams he reaches and reaches  
but he cannot reach her and there’s a candle that’s burning burning  
and it’s low too low and he knows that’s a bad thing tick tock goes the  
clock but now he’s a cake  
(dream lies can you tell them apart)

“Kill her,” Drusilla snarled, “it’s dark and she’s dark. She snatched mommy away and now mommy is burning. So far away,” Drusilla whined and sobbed.

“Wasn’t the Slayer, Dru,” Spike muttered, “was Angelus.”

“No!” Drusilla screamed, “Willie lies like wander men. Daddy, Willie’s picks on me.”

“Like fiery vengeance of god’s messengers, the champion stands strong,” Spike muttered, “whoosh, with a sword made of wrath and judgment, the angel smote the darling in disguise.”

Drusilla whined and covered her ears. She shook her head and cried. Spike continued to hold her, but could not comfort nor soothe her.

_“Come on, Slayer,” Spike snarled, impotent and furious in Giles’ bathtub, “you know you won’t be happy til you dust all the Masters of Aurelius. Guess ‘m next.”_

_“Listen, you peroxide pain,” she glared at him, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but you’re being annoying anyway.”_

_“Don’t be coy,” he mocked, “first Darla, then The Master, sort of Angelus, and now me, you’ve got it out for my blood.”_

_She rolled her eyes, “as if, all that bleach is doing something to your brain.” She pulled away his cup, concluding that he wasn’t going to drink more, and elaborated, “It’s not like I don’t kill all the other baddies around here. Besides, Angel dusted Darla,” her eyes softened, “Darla was trying to kill me and Angel protected me…”_

_“That’s not right,” Spike snapped, “you killed Darla! That’s what the Anointed said, you killed Darla,” but the truth was her hateful eyes._

_“Listen, Spike, I didn’t kill Darla, Angel did,” she paused, “you were lied to,” she added with a mocking, sweet smile._

 

Cemetery school young blood veal prowling  
searching malignant threats catch me I am catch you sound   
pounding take have blood Hell screaming and scream and snarling  
growling I screaming she he they  
(angels have long left your side)

Bad blood hurt he girl hurt them bad they are I am  
voices and scattering crimson blood in my mouth and she screams  
and screams and screaming screaming   
(but I didn’t hurt the girl)

Spike licked his lips and tasted human blood, hot and fresh. Bad boys, he thought. The girl they’d been chasing stopped screaming and stared at him. Her heartbeat pounded fast and fluttery, like that of a hummingbird. He wanted.

_‘There’s nothing good or clean in you’_

“Are, are you going to hurt me?” she whimpered. Spike could taste her fear. She waited for an answer, but when he just looked at her she stood on shaky legs, “I’m going to go now.” She walked away as if trying to see the world a heavy fog.

Spike sniffed and stared at his hand (bloody hand bloody hands).

 

The night after, Spike returned to that spot, in the cemetery besides the young blood school. One had gotten away, he recalled, so there were more and Drusilla had been so pleased with him. He heard her, smelled her (Buffy) and him (Angelus). He caught up to them and watched her leave, gone in a flurry of gold and indignation. Angel remained in the cemetery for a few moments before he moved. Spike watched as Angel came towards him and got closer. When Angel reached him, Spike pounced. Angel caught him and tried to pin him, but Spike kicked him off and rolled to his feet.

“William,” Angel gasped. Spike growled and tried to circle him, but Angel moved in tantum to avoid getting trapped, “what are you doing here?”

“Came to change, no,” Spike moved again, but Angel shifted his defense, “not right. Am here, was here for an eternity,” Spike lunged, but Angel caught and pinned him, “not that angels care.”

“Angels?” Angel muttered, “you’re not making sense, Spike. Listen,” he growled, “whatever you’re up to, forget it. I won’t let you hurt the Slayer, so just leave.”

Spike laughed and Angel pulled back, frowning. “Protect the girl, that’s the mission, only I hurt girls. Hurt the girl,” he reached and pulled his face level with Angel’s, “am I flesh? Am I flesh to you, too?”

“Don’t pull that on me,” Angel snarled, “I can smell the blood on you, all over you. You’ve been feeding here.”

“Hurt the girl,” Spike repeated, “did what I do. Thought I did it right, but I did it wrong, didn’t I?” Spike’s head fell back on the grass, “not a quick study, me.”

Angel released his hold, but did not move. He looked at Spike to see what had changed, “you’ve changed,” he whispered, “what happened to you? Something…” Angel leaned closer, “something…”

Spike twisted his head and bit Angel. Angel hit him hard enough to send him flying into a nearby tombstone. “Demons don’t change,” Spike muttered, “never changed, can’t change,” Spike spat a mouthful of blood onto the tombstone of poor Mr. Godley, “hurt the girl.”

“Spike?” Angel knew what he had seen in Spike’s eyes, “how?”

“Didn’t tell me,” Spike muttered, “didn’t say. It burns, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Spike, how did you get a-“

“Don’t,” Spike snarled, “don’t say the word, you’ve not the authority.”

“You really,” Angel paused then changed his track, “you feel it, don’t you? It’s eating away at you, everything you’ve ever done, everything you ever saw. What you are.”

Burning burning burning burn for his sins  
isn’t that the way and it’s not leaving why didn’t you   
SAY don’t say the word the word word word   
(in the dark words have long lost meaning)

“Spike,” Angel whispered. Spike felt his touch, a hand on his head, “I can help you.”

Dark and the rats skitter miss the rats  
rats are the friends nothing to do hearing the rats  
and the stars are screaming don’t don’t don’t   
(oh don’t deceive me)

“I know what it’s like,” Angel went on, “I went through the same thing, but you don’t have to do it alone, I can help you.”

Angels with no wings leaving and smiling  
hurting hurts stop boy die taking her and never enough  
not the angel just the demon  
(cold and alone again)

“Let me help you,” Angel said. He pulled Spike up and turned him so they were face to face.

Spike punched him. Angel growled and ducked Spike’s kick. He returned with a roundhouse and glanced Spike’s ribs. “Spike, stop this,” Angel said as he dodged the flurry of Spike’s attack, “let me _help_ , I don’t want to hurt you.” Angel fell back and Spike punched him again, “you don’t have to do this.” Angel threw him into the side of a crypt, “Spike, you’re feeling it, I know you are. I taught you to fight better than this.” Angel approached Spike.

“Not you,” Spike replied, “not you, not an angel, just the demon. Just a demon, left us.” Spike turned to Angel, “demon became an angel and the angel left us. Could’ve stopped,” Spike choked on his words and rested his forehead on the cool marble. “Left William in Hell and made Drusilla leave. Made William _care_.”

“William,” Angel breathed, “what happened to you?”

She is quiet and still and snarling growling  
she doesn’t love just takes and takes all he has and   
he is nothing nothing nothing beneath them all  
(how could you)

Angels whisper and reach and they lie lie  
like they care but angels don’t care for demons fight  
and destroy demons not ever enough   
(how could you)

Angel tried to move closer to Spike, but Spike held his distance from him. The sky began to lighten as morning came. Spike refused to look up and Angel stopped his perusal. Spike turned and walked back to the mansion. The weak film of light hurt, but it didn’t kill him.

 

Drusilla sat on the edge of her bed while Spike sat at her feet, head on her lap as she hummed and pet him, “sweet William, Daddy’s gone and got you all upset. He blows and sweeps and my dear boy missed his cockleshell.” Drusilla lifted Spike’s chin to look at him eye to eye, “tell me how it hurts, my sweet.”

“Feels like broken glass, Dru,” Spike whispered, “broken glass inside, cutting me up every time I move.”

“Aww, shh,” Drusilla cooed as she re-placed Spike’s head on her lap, “my Spike is hurting and his Princess hasn’t allowed it,” she patted his cheek, “spark and heart have turned on Princess and her sweet knight. My sweet Spike was put back together wrong.”

“Wrong,” Spike muttered, “yeah, I’m wrong, messed up in the head, Dru, if anyone would know…”

“Spike cries,” Drusilla continued as if Spike had never spoken, “William cries again, he is wrong, Princess has to make him over again and feed him tea and sticky buns to make him better.”

“Gonna break me, pet?” Spike replied, “didn’t like it before, like it less now.”

“Just close your eyes and let Princess lead,” Drusilla said. She pulled Spike back to meet his eyes, “follow Princess home,” she leaned her head forward and Spike followed, his expression smoothed as his pupils dilated, “follow me into the darkness.”

Drusilla leaned back and Spike followed.

_“Okay, Bit, now you put it into gear,” Spike saw himself in his Desoto with Dawn behind the wheel, “and don’t forget the clutch, ruin the car if you don’t do it automatically.”_

_“Okay,” Dawn was nervous. Spike had smelled her adrenaline and stress sweat as it filled his car, the sound of her accelerated heartbeat that drummed against his ears, Dawn shifted gears from neutral to drive and pushed too hard on the pedal, “ah, oh no, sorry!”_

Drusilla was behind him and his car seemed to stretch and became a distant image at the end of a dark tunnel, “run and catch, run and catch,” her arms appeared and wrapped around Spike, “lamb is caught in the blackberry thatch.”

_“Run and catch,” Darla giggled as she flicked a little girl’s nose. There were three, each in a white nightgown and each of them gagged. Darla did not care for their screams, “run and catch.”_

_“Lamb is caught in the blackberry thatch,” Drusilla finished as she cut a thin line over one of the girl’s neck._

_“See, William,” Angelus appeared beside him and Spike felt himself smile, “told you I knew what the women wanted tonight.”_

Dirty dirty demon lost in dark  
where I belong in the dark and dank she’s here  
she wants me follow her can’t follow her spark does  
not allow she sings and reaches and twisted bending   
(it’s killing me)

Taking it all taking me taking spark  
taking guilt pain scream dark tearing me apart stop  
trapped in this world she’s screaming dark and guilt  
no guilt bad bad bad bad  
(salvation)

“Follow Princess home,” Drusilla whispered and her voice was everywhere and nowhere, “let Princess lead.”

Spike closed his eyes and fell into the darkness.


End file.
